the day steve died

I think about this day all the time.
Steve took me to work in the morning for an 8am meeting. He had a blood draw not long after that but went home for breakfast after dropping me off. We were going to go to the blood draw together but I felt I couldn't get away from work right then.
After his blood draw he waited for me at Moka's, right up the street from my office. We loved to go there. He waited for me outside and sat in the sun with his hat and sunglasses on. I walked up and chatted for a second and then went inside to get some coffee and something to eat. When I came out he had a sad look on his face. I couldn't see his eyes behind his sunglasses. I asked what was wrong- he said he was feeling sick. I felt his forehead and thought he felt warm and asked him if he wanted to go to the doctors right then and he said no- he wanted to go home and see if he had a temperature. When we got home he took his temp and it was low, near normal. I thought we had narrowly escaped illness again, and I proceeded to clean our bedroom, bleach counters and talk of how we would stay home where it was safe.
I worked outside for a while and steve layed on the couch. He moved upstairs to lay on the bed and when I went up to see him he said he had a terrible pain in his rib area. I thought it was a side affect of his growth factor shots and gave him some morophine. I put a cold washcloth on his head. I rubbed his chest and back to relax him- in case the pain was anxiety.
After a while I pursuaded him to lay downstairs with me and I put in a movie "the sweet lands". We watched the whole movie on the couch and his parents stopped by at some point.
After the movie I went outside and cried because I was so scared that today felt different and how sad Steve looked. I thought I talked to someone on the phone but I can't remember for sure.
It was just after 5pm when he got a fever. It was 101.8 when I called Dr G. It went up to 102.8 in the half hour we waited at home to hear what room he would be checked into at Swedish. Steve said he thought he'd need a wheel chair when we got there. I was like WHAT? I asked if he could walk to the car. I asked if we should leave for the emergency room instead of waiting any longer. I packed steve's backs for the hospital as always- made sure to get his computer and slippers. When we heard from Dr G Steve walked to the car and we started driving. I told Steve his parents were meeting us there, and he said "at the condo?". I told him he had to fight- he had to take care of me.
I feel so selfish for worrying about myself. We never talked about how he could die since he was first diagnosed. I was so upset after the appointment where we learned his graft had failed- but still we never talked more about it. Instead we planned each day, talked about what a second transplant would be like. He was a ticking timebomb.
---saved the rest of this in a file so no one else would have to read it.