bad dream

I think I'm sort of living the bad dream. Steve died a little more than 2 weeks ago and I had a bad dream last night that I was dying. Steve was there, and I'm not sure if he was sick but I was dying and there were only a few treatment options and they were likely not to work and I had about one and a half weeks they suspected.
I probably feel like I'm dying. Many times I've thought I could easily miss something wrong with myself because I didn't want to go to any extra doctors appointments for myself. I have an appt now but it hardly seems important.
I went to the grocery store today. Just running out and needing a few things isn't easy. I cried at the store. They played Ingrid Michaelson, "the way I am" who iLike invited to play in the office and I walked up there that day and listened with all of them. I cried at the grocery store because of Ingrid Michaelson. I cried at cindy's because it was fathers day and we were all there without Steve. I cried giving Reg the fathers day card I picked for him that I signed Steve's name to.
I texted with George today.
I figured out how to see my iTunes library on the iMac from the Vaio. I don't feel like doing anything really.
I cry almost every time I drive because Steve loved to drive the Audi.
Everything I try to do takes forever because I forget what I'm doing about 20 times for each task. I had to take all the coffee beans out of the coffee grinder- luckily that seemed to fix it. Feels like everything will break now because Steve isn't around to help me fix it- even though both of us fixed things.
When you cry you lose your appetite. You also can't taste anything. Even if you cry when there's food in your mouth already you suddenly can't taste it. just fyi, if you need to eat, you should do it before or after crying and if possible not during.

new year

I am very excited about the new year. I'm also scared, but it's still a time of great change and possibility. Each new year I generally give something up- diet wise. In prior years it has been meat. I never went overboard on it- sometimes I would still eat meat if at a friends house for dinner, but I would try to keep it in mind and add another day on to my commitment for things like that.
This year I found a new years program on body and soul magazine (www.wholeliving.com). I bought the magazine for the flight back from LA prior to new years and only came across this 5 week challenge last sunday night. I was like- oh yah, it's the new year! time for a challenge!
I admit I haven't been able to follow through with some of the challenges so far. Monday I actually started the diet early when my mom showed up with whole grains for breakfast for the week. I had a little maple syrup (probably a teaspoon) on it. I haven't had lemon water every day but I have had brown rice and beans and veggies at least one meal a day, and whole grains for breakfast all week. I have more energy, I feel more calm, I have less cravings and feel more full. And I think I'm already losing weight. I've successfully lost weight with weight watchers before, and I could chose that program again, but I don't feel like I can handle all the rules right now with my other responsibilities. Sometimes you just need to eat. My goal will be to have enough healthy foods around that I can eat healthy and it will be convenient because I was prepared.
Though I haven't been able to exercise as they have recommended, but I'll try to do that soon too. Hopefully spring will come and it will be easier then.

am I dressed?

some days I'm so tired. Today I raced from work to meet Steve at chemo and he was ahead of schedule, which meant less time sitting in the uncomfortable chair. Then I walked over to his office to get the car since it was raining and he didn't bring a jacket. Lucky I had a jacket. It was a nice walk actually and way less trouble walking then on the way back driving the car (as everything is on first hill/cap hill). So I was so tired I tried to take a nap and couldn't really sleep. I've noticed I get really super thirsty when I'm tired- or I'm getting tired because I'm super thirsty. But all I want is coffee and tea and it's fall and you need warm drinks. Anyway, the most mundane tasks have a dream like quality to them now. I'm not really there. I stand at the counter with a clerk and the first thing he says is that he needs my blockbuster card. I suddenly wonder if I got out of the house with close on. I have to look down to make sure I'm not wearing pajamas. Sometimes I think I could get to work with pajamas on. I'm happy to get to work whenever I get there, and luckily that's been enough. Sometimes I feel sad when I get there because I feel it's the safest place to be sad. It's the little hiding place from my personal life. Though I feel bad when I realize not everyone can handle hearing about all the medical stuff. Lots of people think it's gross and I can't remember how much you can pick up stress from other people. They say it's worse for other people. That is, for me and steve's family it can be worse because it's not happening to us, and then for my coworkers it must be worse because they only see me and what's happening to me. It seems kind of creepy.
I felt a couple months ago like my life stopped. Like I couldn't worry about whether I was fat or exercised or if the bills were paid because I would be happy to survive it. Now I think more about when we will be returning to normal life. Like we're on this bell curve, getting closer to the middle, which in turn means we're closer to the end. It's possible we really will be able to look at this and think it was 1 year of many and it's in the past. Though that could be more of an optimistic thought. I worry about having the kind of energy necessary to make larger changes in our lives, like diet changes. Surviving on food from the cafeteria next door is great for me but I'll be cooking a lot soon enough and that is a strain if you're working. It's hard to think about the extra chores even now when I'm working and trying to do some of them. I think it will end up being necessary to take the time away from work to be able to do it all, without just being exhausted. It's hard not to get sucked into the fall slump around here and just want to stay indoors where it's warm. Please take me outside, but aim for the 10min where it's sunny ok?

introduction of buckmonster blogger

This is the buckmonster blogger. Everything has been buckmonster, starting from buckmonster circle (couldn't remember buckminster fuller). Then Steve called me the buckmonster-snacker. This seems to have endless possibilities so I think it is suitable.
I think since cindy and brian and steve and nic and everyone else I read about has a blogger account I've grown comfortable with it, and never have quite adapted to facebook or myspace since it got buggy and ad-heavy. I don't need anything busy in my interface, ie this is not buckmonster busyface.

Steve was diagnosed with MDS in June 2008. A routine physical on a wednesday, sent to the oncologist on thursday and had a bone marrow biopsy and now we know a lot about blood. Steves bone marrow isn't quite working the way it should and he will likely have a bone marrow transplant aka stem cell transplant. Just how, and when this is going to occur is completely up in the air.
What that means essentially is that I am now a "caregiver". This is a professional name when your second career is "managing" cancer. I'm reading about Leukemia, bone marrow transplants, caregiving, diet, avoiding infection, etc and learning as much as I can handle. Working in healthcare has been an advantage so far because I can relate most of it to work and find the process oriented side of healthcare interesting. Staying on top of appointments and checking everyone's work is really a 2 person job and I think Steve and I do it very well. We have always worked well on projects since he's highly detail oriented and I like structure and getting shit done.
So- there are many things I just don't keep track of as well as I use to with this additional second career/project. I don't watch my money so close, I lose track of my personal appointments, my promises to friends, my fun time and I focus on this one project mostly.
I miss the large chunks of time I use to have, when I could just do whatever I wanted and not have much going on.
I feel like I've wanted a place to complain lately, and I thought this could be a good place. However, I'm not sure how private it is and complaining takes time and energy. Luckily today I'd rather get shit done than complain.