Tuesday, July 27, 2010
dragonflies
I saw tons of dragonflies at the lake with jenny this morning and they were the first I'd seen this summer- so many of them flying around sweeping in front of me to get my attention. jenny knows they are connected to steve. I am reading the older posts on here and the snapshots and times are very pure of when and what I was feeling. And my friends are in the comments and they are here now and with me to get through this. I love steve. the pain was/is immense.
first dream I remember about steve
actually it was a dream about joe and "lifewater" vitamin water. joe kept wanting the water and trying to get more but they wouldn't deliver it directly to him. Boxes and boxes came but they had to be purchased by a neighbor and he had to go over with his papers and my calendar to sign for it. joe was having a rough time and was really angry and he came in to his place and shoed his friends out in a rage but I had to gather up my computer. I was using the computer working and erin and rhonda were trying to contact me on skype- while joe was doing something else in the other room. I had to disconnect my power cord and my mom was there. Steve walked in with his leather jacket on just off his scooter and looked great and I immediately put my arms and one of my legs around him almost from the side and wispered I love you in his ear and felt immense joy and we sat down together on a bench with joe. I woke up almost immediately and tried to hold on to the sweet feeling but I started sobbing- my body was sobbing without me wanting to at all- tears and my nose was running. I was awake and my heart was beating fast. Alert enough to get up and write this down but so happy to have seen steve. I could feel him and it was awesome. 3:45am
Saturday, October 10, 2009
crying in the car
crying in the car sucks. especially when you're trying to drive and it's unexpected and in 5 seconds you're crying like a baby.
crying gives you frown wrinkles. crying makes your heart pound like you're gonna die. it's miserable. and it's nothing. not even a thought or anything bad happening it's just all of the sudden. tired makes you cry. nothing feels comforting except for being distracted. And being distracted is only good if there's nothing stressful about what you're doing.
If you happen to be doing anything stressful and you're trying not to cry then maybe you can't eat or something like that.
I'm a cutter upper of food. can we walk around on all our dates? I like going places. I like looking at windows and seeing it warm inside and seeing red knit over tree stumps. I like fire pits and people talking. I like secret gardens and djs and sitting in a booth in the corner. And being around someone who doesn't seem scared going into new places. I feel shy in new places. I'm shy by myself. I like quiet time. I like quiet time and walking. I like not worrying. I like warm arm around me and total temperature control.
I don't like tv lately. I like music better even sad music. I miss scooter. breathing is exhausting. it's heavy weight.
crying gives you frown wrinkles. crying makes your heart pound like you're gonna die. it's miserable. and it's nothing. not even a thought or anything bad happening it's just all of the sudden. tired makes you cry. nothing feels comforting except for being distracted. And being distracted is only good if there's nothing stressful about what you're doing.
If you happen to be doing anything stressful and you're trying not to cry then maybe you can't eat or something like that.
I'm a cutter upper of food. can we walk around on all our dates? I like going places. I like looking at windows and seeing it warm inside and seeing red knit over tree stumps. I like fire pits and people talking. I like secret gardens and djs and sitting in a booth in the corner. And being around someone who doesn't seem scared going into new places. I feel shy in new places. I'm shy by myself. I like quiet time. I like quiet time and walking. I like not worrying. I like warm arm around me and total temperature control.
I don't like tv lately. I like music better even sad music. I miss scooter. breathing is exhausting. it's heavy weight.
Sunday, July 5, 2009
remembering steve
I'm so scared I'll forget so many of the wonderful things about Steve. I see dragonflies almost every day now, almost always at times I'm missing him. At Cindy's on the 4th of july with all the family around I could see one off flying around the neighbors tree. And today I saw several at the Japanese garden which I took my dad to and remembered when steve and I went there together on our scooters. We got crinkle cookies that Steve and I didn't have a chance to get before he died. I just can't believe he's gone. He was so young and we had so little time together. He was so fun. I miss the times before he got sick when he'd carry me around piggyback and I didn't feel fat. I can't stand to think that I'd have to sell his scooters that he would not even consider selling and couldn't narrow down to just one.
He always wanted to share everything with me. Every cool think he did on his website. Every neat thing he saw or read about. The games he played. It hurts to think of times I didn't listen or didn't make time for him. It's sad I wanted to go home after his platelet transfusion instead of driving to west seattle- but we would have gone if it was just the 2 of us. We didn't get enough couple time together. There were so many demands on our time. I just realized a lot of our lost bond of closeness was just having his parents and other people around all the time- and we had to have people around to keep from getting depressed.
I know these things of Steve's are not him.
This is the hottest, driest, most sunny summer we've had here in years. I thought it was weird how sunny it was in may- that steve got a nice month of weather for his last month. So strange to think the beginning of may he was on the road to a cure and the end was the full year of closure. I'd like to think he had a mission on another planet since he did so well here. I remember how he walked through the halls of the hospital on halloween with the plastic michette that nic gave him making a slow moan and trying to look scary. And dinging his bike-bell while walking laps. I remember that he played ball in the halls with me (for me more than him) to have fun.
He always wanted to share everything with me. Every cool think he did on his website. Every neat thing he saw or read about. The games he played. It hurts to think of times I didn't listen or didn't make time for him. It's sad I wanted to go home after his platelet transfusion instead of driving to west seattle- but we would have gone if it was just the 2 of us. We didn't get enough couple time together. There were so many demands on our time. I just realized a lot of our lost bond of closeness was just having his parents and other people around all the time- and we had to have people around to keep from getting depressed.
I know these things of Steve's are not him.
This is the hottest, driest, most sunny summer we've had here in years. I thought it was weird how sunny it was in may- that steve got a nice month of weather for his last month. So strange to think the beginning of may he was on the road to a cure and the end was the full year of closure. I'd like to think he had a mission on another planet since he did so well here. I remember how he walked through the halls of the hospital on halloween with the plastic michette that nic gave him making a slow moan and trying to look scary. And dinging his bike-bell while walking laps. I remember that he played ball in the halls with me (for me more than him) to have fun.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
slim chances
I recently was fishing around on the LLS website looking at survival facts for AML. I wonder if something changed since we first looked at it, but the survival rate for AML is 23% or something like that. Maybe we were looking at MDS stats before.
I am still sad that I didn't spend more time cuddling Steve and talking more with him about all of this those last two weeks.
I miss him so much. I think he must be looking down on me and watching me cry and he would be crying too or trying to find a way to distract us.
Tonight I rode his scooter. I wanted to make sure to keep it running smoothly. It needed air in the tires and the gas light was on. I can't think of a time Steve would let the gas light go on. That was weird. I suppose if there is anything he could be doing, or he'd want to be doing, it's riding his scooter all day long- exploring some undiscovered area. His scooter does turn really well. It's very responsive and solid feeling. It is a bit hard for me to put on the stand, since it weighs about 50lbs more than mine.
I feel a bit like I'm going to be swallowed up by all the stuff at home. There is stuff I need to do everywhere, and it felt like a major feat to put the insurance cards in the scooters. That counts for my chore for today.
I have the cold that won't quit, and my throat is so sore. Sad AND sick!
I am still sad that I didn't spend more time cuddling Steve and talking more with him about all of this those last two weeks.
I miss him so much. I think he must be looking down on me and watching me cry and he would be crying too or trying to find a way to distract us.
Tonight I rode his scooter. I wanted to make sure to keep it running smoothly. It needed air in the tires and the gas light was on. I can't think of a time Steve would let the gas light go on. That was weird. I suppose if there is anything he could be doing, or he'd want to be doing, it's riding his scooter all day long- exploring some undiscovered area. His scooter does turn really well. It's very responsive and solid feeling. It is a bit hard for me to put on the stand, since it weighs about 50lbs more than mine.
I feel a bit like I'm going to be swallowed up by all the stuff at home. There is stuff I need to do everywhere, and it felt like a major feat to put the insurance cards in the scooters. That counts for my chore for today.
I have the cold that won't quit, and my throat is so sore. Sad AND sick!
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
guilt of the day
today the guilty feeling I had was not being the kind of wife to tell stever "you'll live forever baby- you'll make it through this". I was the wife saying- "can we just concentrate on the next few years instead of worrying about retirement?"
Isn't that rotten?
what else.
I did a couple chores today. I went to the gas station and I dropped off and picked up my drycleaning. And I didn't cry during any of my chores. I cried at the social security office but that seems appropriate. The woman there said there were a surprising number of young people losing their spouses. I think I'm young- or at least in that context.
I went to work today.
I like thinking of things I should be proud of. I had to think of Steve not to rush straight to work after my appt to do those chores. Steve never rushed through things- he appreciated the moment and did what he felt like doing. There was always time to get to work. though that wouldn't really fly at my company.
Isn't that rotten?
what else.
I did a couple chores today. I went to the gas station and I dropped off and picked up my drycleaning. And I didn't cry during any of my chores. I cried at the social security office but that seems appropriate. The woman there said there were a surprising number of young people losing their spouses. I think I'm young- or at least in that context.
I went to work today.
I like thinking of things I should be proud of. I had to think of Steve not to rush straight to work after my appt to do those chores. Steve never rushed through things- he appreciated the moment and did what he felt like doing. There was always time to get to work. though that wouldn't really fly at my company.
Monday, June 22, 2009
the day steve died
I think about this day all the time.
Steve took me to work in the morning for an 8am meeting. He had a blood draw not long after that but went home for breakfast after dropping me off. We were going to go to the blood draw together but I felt I couldn't get away from work right then.
After his blood draw he waited for me at Moka's, right up the street from my office. We loved to go there. He waited for me outside and sat in the sun with his hat and sunglasses on. I walked up and chatted for a second and then went inside to get some coffee and something to eat. When I came out he had a sad look on his face. I couldn't see his eyes behind his sunglasses. I asked what was wrong- he said he was feeling sick. I felt his forehead and thought he felt warm and asked him if he wanted to go to the doctors right then and he said no- he wanted to go home and see if he had a temperature. When we got home he took his temp and it was low, near normal. I thought we had narrowly escaped illness again, and I proceeded to clean our bedroom, bleach counters and talk of how we would stay home where it was safe.
I worked outside for a while and steve layed on the couch. He moved upstairs to lay on the bed and when I went up to see him he said he had a terrible pain in his rib area. I thought it was a side affect of his growth factor shots and gave him some morophine. I put a cold washcloth on his head. I rubbed his chest and back to relax him- in case the pain was anxiety.
After a while I pursuaded him to lay downstairs with me and I put in a movie "the sweet lands". We watched the whole movie on the couch and his parents stopped by at some point.
After the movie I went outside and cried because I was so scared that today felt different and how sad Steve looked. I thought I talked to someone on the phone but I can't remember for sure.
It was just after 5pm when he got a fever. It was 101.8 when I called Dr G. It went up to 102.8 in the half hour we waited at home to hear what room he would be checked into at Swedish. Steve said he thought he'd need a wheel chair when we got there. I was like WHAT? I asked if he could walk to the car. I asked if we should leave for the emergency room instead of waiting any longer. I packed steve's backs for the hospital as always- made sure to get his computer and slippers. When we heard from Dr G Steve walked to the car and we started driving. I told Steve his parents were meeting us there, and he said "at the condo?". I told him he had to fight- he had to take care of me.
I feel so selfish for worrying about myself. We never talked about how he could die since he was first diagnosed. I was so upset after the appointment where we learned his graft had failed- but still we never talked more about it. Instead we planned each day, talked about what a second transplant would be like. He was a ticking timebomb.
---saved the rest of this in a file so no one else would have to read it.
Steve took me to work in the morning for an 8am meeting. He had a blood draw not long after that but went home for breakfast after dropping me off. We were going to go to the blood draw together but I felt I couldn't get away from work right then.
After his blood draw he waited for me at Moka's, right up the street from my office. We loved to go there. He waited for me outside and sat in the sun with his hat and sunglasses on. I walked up and chatted for a second and then went inside to get some coffee and something to eat. When I came out he had a sad look on his face. I couldn't see his eyes behind his sunglasses. I asked what was wrong- he said he was feeling sick. I felt his forehead and thought he felt warm and asked him if he wanted to go to the doctors right then and he said no- he wanted to go home and see if he had a temperature. When we got home he took his temp and it was low, near normal. I thought we had narrowly escaped illness again, and I proceeded to clean our bedroom, bleach counters and talk of how we would stay home where it was safe.
I worked outside for a while and steve layed on the couch. He moved upstairs to lay on the bed and when I went up to see him he said he had a terrible pain in his rib area. I thought it was a side affect of his growth factor shots and gave him some morophine. I put a cold washcloth on his head. I rubbed his chest and back to relax him- in case the pain was anxiety.
After a while I pursuaded him to lay downstairs with me and I put in a movie "the sweet lands". We watched the whole movie on the couch and his parents stopped by at some point.
After the movie I went outside and cried because I was so scared that today felt different and how sad Steve looked. I thought I talked to someone on the phone but I can't remember for sure.
It was just after 5pm when he got a fever. It was 101.8 when I called Dr G. It went up to 102.8 in the half hour we waited at home to hear what room he would be checked into at Swedish. Steve said he thought he'd need a wheel chair when we got there. I was like WHAT? I asked if he could walk to the car. I asked if we should leave for the emergency room instead of waiting any longer. I packed steve's backs for the hospital as always- made sure to get his computer and slippers. When we heard from Dr G Steve walked to the car and we started driving. I told Steve his parents were meeting us there, and he said "at the condo?". I told him he had to fight- he had to take care of me.
I feel so selfish for worrying about myself. We never talked about how he could die since he was first diagnosed. I was so upset after the appointment where we learned his graft had failed- but still we never talked more about it. Instead we planned each day, talked about what a second transplant would be like. He was a ticking timebomb.
---saved the rest of this in a file so no one else would have to read it.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)