am I dressed?

some days I'm so tired. Today I raced from work to meet Steve at chemo and he was ahead of schedule, which meant less time sitting in the uncomfortable chair. Then I walked over to his office to get the car since it was raining and he didn't bring a jacket. Lucky I had a jacket. It was a nice walk actually and way less trouble walking then on the way back driving the car (as everything is on first hill/cap hill). So I was so tired I tried to take a nap and couldn't really sleep. I've noticed I get really super thirsty when I'm tired- or I'm getting tired because I'm super thirsty. But all I want is coffee and tea and it's fall and you need warm drinks. Anyway, the most mundane tasks have a dream like quality to them now. I'm not really there. I stand at the counter with a clerk and the first thing he says is that he needs my blockbuster card. I suddenly wonder if I got out of the house with close on. I have to look down to make sure I'm not wearing pajamas. Sometimes I think I could get to work with pajamas on. I'm happy to get to work whenever I get there, and luckily that's been enough. Sometimes I feel sad when I get there because I feel it's the safest place to be sad. It's the little hiding place from my personal life. Though I feel bad when I realize not everyone can handle hearing about all the medical stuff. Lots of people think it's gross and I can't remember how much you can pick up stress from other people. They say it's worse for other people. That is, for me and steve's family it can be worse because it's not happening to us, and then for my coworkers it must be worse because they only see me and what's happening to me. It seems kind of creepy.
I felt a couple months ago like my life stopped. Like I couldn't worry about whether I was fat or exercised or if the bills were paid because I would be happy to survive it. Now I think more about when we will be returning to normal life. Like we're on this bell curve, getting closer to the middle, which in turn means we're closer to the end. It's possible we really will be able to look at this and think it was 1 year of many and it's in the past. Though that could be more of an optimistic thought. I worry about having the kind of energy necessary to make larger changes in our lives, like diet changes. Surviving on food from the cafeteria next door is great for me but I'll be cooking a lot soon enough and that is a strain if you're working. It's hard to think about the extra chores even now when I'm working and trying to do some of them. I think it will end up being necessary to take the time away from work to be able to do it all, without just being exhausted. It's hard not to get sucked into the fall slump around here and just want to stay indoors where it's warm. Please take me outside, but aim for the 10min where it's sunny ok?

introduction of buckmonster blogger

This is the buckmonster blogger. Everything has been buckmonster, starting from buckmonster circle (couldn't remember buckminster fuller). Then Steve called me the buckmonster-snacker. This seems to have endless possibilities so I think it is suitable.
I think since cindy and brian and steve and nic and everyone else I read about has a blogger account I've grown comfortable with it, and never have quite adapted to facebook or myspace since it got buggy and ad-heavy. I don't need anything busy in my interface, ie this is not buckmonster busyface.

Steve was diagnosed with MDS in June 2008. A routine physical on a wednesday, sent to the oncologist on thursday and had a bone marrow biopsy and now we know a lot about blood. Steves bone marrow isn't quite working the way it should and he will likely have a bone marrow transplant aka stem cell transplant. Just how, and when this is going to occur is completely up in the air.
What that means essentially is that I am now a "caregiver". This is a professional name when your second career is "managing" cancer. I'm reading about Leukemia, bone marrow transplants, caregiving, diet, avoiding infection, etc and learning as much as I can handle. Working in healthcare has been an advantage so far because I can relate most of it to work and find the process oriented side of healthcare interesting. Staying on top of appointments and checking everyone's work is really a 2 person job and I think Steve and I do it very well. We have always worked well on projects since he's highly detail oriented and I like structure and getting shit done.
So- there are many things I just don't keep track of as well as I use to with this additional second career/project. I don't watch my money so close, I lose track of my personal appointments, my promises to friends, my fun time and I focus on this one project mostly.
I miss the large chunks of time I use to have, when I could just do whatever I wanted and not have much going on.
I feel like I've wanted a place to complain lately, and I thought this could be a good place. However, I'm not sure how private it is and complaining takes time and energy. Luckily today I'd rather get shit done than complain.